Funny Quotes

1.  "I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm right."
2. "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
3. "I don't need a hairstylist; I need a magician."
4. "I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not so sure."
5. "If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
6. "I'm not lazy; I'm just in energy-saving mode."
7. "I'm not short; I'm just more down to earth than most people."
8. "Why be a king when you can be a jester?"
9. "I'm not aging; I'm increasing in value."
10. "I'm not clumsy; the floor just hates me."
11. "Life is too short to fold fitted sheets."
12. "I'm not procrastinating; I'm doing the horizontal hustle with my couch."
13. "I'm not a morning person. I'm not even an afternoon person. I'm more like a '3 AM pizza' kind of person."
14. "I'm not saying I'm Wonder Woman; I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together."
15. "Don't follow your dreams; chase them down and tackle them."
16. "I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me travel brochures."
17. "I don't snore; I dream I'm a motorcycle."
18. "I'm not sure if I'm a good cook, but I am an expert at ordering takeout."
19. "I'm not bossy; I have leadership skills."
20. "I'm not addicted to coffee; we're just in a committed relationship."
21. "I'm not old; I'm just retro."
22. "I put the 'elusive' in 'influencer.'"
23. "I'm not a control freak; you're just out of control."
24. "I'm not saying I'm a superhero, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?"
25. "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."
26. "I'm not a couch potato; I'm a lounge sweet potato."
27. "I'm not saying I'm a master chef, but I can microwave like a pro."
28. "I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
29. "I'm not late; I'm just on my own time zone."
30. "I'm not a baker, but I can make your day."
31. "I'm not single; I'm romantically challenged."
32. "I'm not ignoring you; I'm just giving you time to reflect on your wrong opinion."
33. "I don't snore; I dream I'm an air horn."
34. "I don't need an alarm clock; my toddler acts as a human rooster."
35. "I'm not messy; I'm just creatively organized."
36. "I'm not a photographer, but I can picture us together."
37. "I'm not clumsy; the floor just enjoys the taste of my feet."
38. "I'm not addicted to social media; I'm just in a committed relationship with my phone."
39. "I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm right, using small words for you."
40. "I'm not sarcastic; I'm just allergic to stupidity."
41. "I'm not a morning person; I'm a 'don't talk to me until I've had my coffee' person."
42. "I'm not shy; I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't overwhelm you."
43. "I'm not fat; I'm just easy to see."
44. "I'm not a chef; I'm an accidental food artist."
45. "I'm not a jogger; I'm just running from my adult responsibilities."
46. "I'm not a nerd; I'm just smarter than most of the people I know."
47. "I'm not short; I'm concentrated awesome."
48. "I'm not disorganized; I'm horizontally gifted."
49. "I'm not lazy; I'm just saving my energy for when it's really necessary."
50. "I'm not a gym rat; I'm a cheese enthusiast."
51. "I'm not a fan of salad, unless it's on a burger."
52. "I'm not a night owl; I'm a midnight snacker."
53. "I'm not forgetful; I'm just good at remembering to forget."
54. "I'm not a millionaire; I'm just living a debt-free lifestyle."
55. "I'm not old; I'm just well-seasoned."
56. "I'm not a morning person; I'm a 'leave me alone until noon' person."
57. "I'm not a superhero; I'm a sleep-deprived parent."
58. "I'm not a baker, but I can make your day with a cake."
59. "I'm not saying I'm Batman; I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room."
60. "I'm not a chef; I just microwave like one."
61. "I'm not a doctor, but I can cure your boredom."
62. "I'm not a plumber, but I can fix your leaky faucet... by calling a plumber."
63. "I'm not a morning person; I'm a 'why is the sun up already' person."
64. "I'm not ignoring you; I'm just prioritizing my cat's needs."
65. "I'm not late; I'm just on a spontaneous adventure... to find my keys."
66. "I'm not a therapist, but I give great unqualified advice."
67. "I'm not indecisive; I'm just very open to new ideas."
68. "I'm not a procrastinator; I'm just waiting for the last minute to be more convenient."
69. "I'm not a teacher, but I can teach you a thing or two... about Googling."
70. "I'm not a morning person; I'm a 'morning is a suggestion' person."
71. "I'm not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together."
72. "I'm not a chef; I'm a 'microwave gourmet.'"
73. "I'm not disorganized; I'm just living in organized chaos."
74. "I'm not old; I'm just well-preserved."
75. "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on WebMD."
76. "I'm not a baker, but I can bake a mean batch of excuses."
77. "I'm not a math whiz, but I can count on you to be awesome."
78. "I'm not a psychic, but I see a lot of pizza in your future."
79. "I'm not a morning person; I'm an 'it's too early to function' person."
80. "I'm not a chef; I'm a 'food assembler.'"
81. "I'm not a doctor, but I do have a lot of 'Dr.' Pepper."
82. "I'm not lazy; I'm just conserving energy for a more important task."
83. "I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat vegetables... when they're wrapped in bacon."
84. "I'm not a scientist, but I can make your heart react chemically."
85. "I'm not a therapist, but I'll listen to your problems for the price of a coffee."
86. "I'm not a superhero, but I can wear my underwear on the outside if it'll make you smile."
87. "I'm not ignoring you; I'm just on a mental vacation."
88. "I'm not short; I'm just concentrated awesome."
89. "I'm not a gardener, but I can plant a kiss on you."
90. "I'm not a morning person; I'm a 'breakfast for dinner' enthusiast."
91. "I'm not a chef; I just make cereal look good."
92. "I'm not a firefighter, but I can ignite your heart."
93. "I'm not a therapist, but I'll be your unpaid listener."
94. "I'm not an artist, but I can draw attention to myself."
95. "I'm not a morning person; I'm a 'caffeine and silence' person."
96. "I'm not a scientist, but I've mastered the art of mixing mismatched socks."
97. "I'm not a teacher, but I can give you a lesson in witty comebacks."
98. "I'm not a superhero, but I can save the last slice of pizza for you."
99. "I'm not a tax expert, but I can help you evade your responsibilities... just kidding, pay your taxes."
100. "I'm not an astronaut, but my head is often in the clouds."